“I think I’m a perfectionist.”
“No, you’re definitely not.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Yes, I am.”
“Erin, you just got finished telling me how you made Hamburger Helper with vanilla-flavored almond milk because you didn’t have any regular-flavored milk in the house. A perfectionist would never have done that.”
Pause. “That’s stupid. Also, I’m never coming back and I hate you.”
“That’s fair. Just let me say this before you righteously storm out: You’re not a perfectionist, but you hold yourself to a perfect standard. And then when you don’t do things perfectly, you beat yourself up.”
Silence. Then, “Fine. That doesn’t sound totally wrong.”
This conversation with a therapist when I was in grad school resonates, I imagine, with many of you, dear readers. Of course, you’re probably much better people than I am, so you would never tell her you hated her, but that’s why you’re going to get a better seat in Heaven than I am– closer to the kettle corn, I’m sure.
I would like very much, I think, to be a perfectionist. For everything to be just so, to get everywhere right on time and never accidentally miss a meeting or double-book myself or leave a wet load of laundry in the washer for two days and let it get all mildewy and awful. I’m just not actively concerned about things being perfect. I have this go-with-the-flow, Jesus-will-fix-it-if-I-screw-it-up way of thinking.
Which is good, I think. Trusting, and all that. People get themselves all worked up over things that they won’t remember a week from now, even a couple of days from now, much less eternally. The number of panic-inducing daily things that have real eternal consequence is very, very small.
The problem with going with the flow is that the flow is often not going in a good direction. If I go with the flow of, say, being too busy or tired or chill to worry about doing laundry, three entire weeks can go by before I realize I’m out of clean socks. This is not great. And then, as my therapist put it so gently, I beat myself up over it as I scramble to do 20 days’ worth of laundry in one night.
“Why can’t you just be a normal human and do a load when the laundry basket is full?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me, you forgot to buy more dryer sheets?! Aren’t you supposed to be graduate-school educated?!”
And the perennial classic:
“WHOA, how long have these clothes been sitting in the dryer? You’ve been looking for these pants for THREE WEEKS, you IDIOT!”
All this is probably just a part of growing accustomed to the normalcy of Life As an Adult (rather than Life As a Student, where you had to get your laundry out of the dryer or people would dump it out on the floor and hang your underwear up in the common room).
But here’s what I want to know:
What would it look like if we could stop being perfectionists about our faith?
…if we could stop beating ourselves up over not praying enough, not being Scripturally-literate enough, not doing enough service work?
(Because what does “enough” even look like?)
What if we could stop beating ourselves up over that which we have done and that which we have left undone?
…Doesn’t confession assure us of pardon? “In the name of Jesus Christ, you are forgiven.” Move on. Try again. You are now freed for joyful obedience, and all hints of past disobedience are forgotten.
What if we could live in the now and not in the three-minutes-ago?
…if we could stop dwelling on how we could have prayed better over the hospitalized woman, could have said something more theologically sound to the friend who asks why God allows babies to get cancer, could have been kinder to the man who kept talking and talking in Trader Joe’s about his spirituality because he saw me in my collar…?
Here’s the end of that conversation with my therapist:
“So how do I fix this problem, O Wise One?”
“Practice remembering this: You are not a malicious, bad, or stupid person. Everything you did or didn’t do came out of a heart that is trying its best. You did the best you could with what you had at that given time.“
I do not know if this is what Jesus would say about a past mistake.
But, luckily, we know what He said to several people who had made grave mistakes:
“Go, and sin no more.”
“Your sins are forgiven.”
And my personal favorite,
“Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you? …Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.”
Christ does not condemn you. Therefore do not waste time condemning yourself, whether by perfectionism or by beating yourself up when you’re not perfect. Neither do I condemn you, says the LORD. Now, get up and walk!